By Dean Sprague
We (David Ahrendt, Jason and myself) were enjoying another marathon weekend on my son’s classic Mini project and somehow the discussion degraded into finding that impossible part. This immediately created major flashbacks for me to my days working and training as a mechanic in the late 60’s for an MG, Triumph and Jaguar franchise in Miami. The store also had a limited franchise to sell Lotus cars but most were sold on a special order basis. In those days we were all called mechanics there weren’t any computer technicians. We actually had to learn how to rebuild things not read computer codes and replace one part for another. This was probably best since my forte has never been computers. My formal training was focused on Jaguar maintenance and repair. I received most of my other training for MG and Triumph thru the OJT (on the job) method. This is where resident master mechanics show you how to do things, then you repeat the process and they check it. For some this was where the fun began.
A few “old school” mechanics loved to play tricks on the apprentices. They were famous for sending them to the parts department to find something unobtainable like muffler bearings or tail pipe lens to increase backpressure and torque. They also might send them for a duel exhaust “O” pipe tri-shaft flange. Since I already had quite a bit of shade tree and some racing experience before I began my tutelage I was not quite as gullible but I had the pleasure of just watching others head for the parts department to secure these and other items. The guys there would usually play along. It went something like this; “we have a rattle in the exhaust system go to parts and get some muffler bearings for a 1965 Triumph TR4a”. They would head off to the parts department and immediately get sent to somewhere else and so on until the apprentice finally caught on. Another favorite was to send the uninformed for a can of vacuum to recharge the power brake systems. They were told this was required on the Jaguar XKEs because they needed extra vacuum to function at design standards. There’s more, are you familiar with chromium plated mud condensers? Why yes those are needed to prevent soiling of the inner fenders and road wheels. I challenge you to find a set.
Lets not forget about the special tools required to complete some of these repairs. Sometimes you need a left-handed crescent wrench for tight places or a metric screwdriver for some European vehicles. (Pubs Chairman’s note: there actually are left handed “Crescent” wrenches manufactured by Stahlwille in Germany see photos and note the direction of the worm) Ever heard of a penandermic semi-boloid slot of the stator extractor? I haven’t either but it sure sounds special. You may also need a box of grid squares to line up the drive shaft extension pins.
I heard stories from some of the more tenured guys in the shop about unscrupulous mechanics that would actually try charging people to change the “old air” in their tires for fresh air telling them that this prevented dry rotting of the tires or sometimes converting from summer to winter air to hold pressures better. Some tried to sell performance air because will give you another 10 mph. Another was to tell customers that squeaky brakes needed special brake oil or if they were leaking they might need new cross-drilled brake lines. When alternators were noisy they were told it might be low on alternator fluid. Ever heard of hubcap gaskets? Yep those were needed to prevent them from leaking. Nothing is worse than a leaking hubcap. If your headlights are out of adjustment you may need new headlight clutches. This keeps them in line. If they are modern headlights a good dose of fresh halogen fluid can prevent dimness.
We all know that engine and transmission repairs can be extremely expensive. When your piston return springs need replacement this can be very costly especially when its on the drivers side of the engine because that usually means you will also need a new left handed Knuten valve. Once you are already in the engine its always smart to replace the Skenobolin pins as well. Another common engine problem can be excessive dirt and dust collection on the interior of the combustion chambers. This can happen when your high-tension dust extractor stops working thereby accelerating premature engine failure. Late model turbo engines will also need a new turbo encabulator. If its fuel injected you will always have to replace the fuel injector bearings and adjust the continuum tranfuctioner fuel micropaciter. I don’t know what any of this is for but I am sure it would be very expensive.
The transmission can also very costly to repair. There are hundreds of little parts that must all work together for it to function properly. If any one part fails the entire transmission may have to be completely rebuilt. In addition, some costumers have been told that their transmitic cable linkage is worn and must also be replaced. This is creates a difficult situation because they are impossible to find and I mean impossible! Plus it’s an indicator that whole gearbox may be failing. Actually, most of these parts were never really manufactured by Homo sapiens at all. They were unearthed when needed where aliens originally placed them. I am told that somewhere there is a map that identifies all their locations but I have never seen it.
Ever had washed out or dim taillights? That can happen when they run low on special oil. You may not know this but you need green oil for the left light and red oil for the right just like for marine applications. Almost no one stocks it and it’s usually on back order so very hard to locate. Have your turn indicators stopped working? Well you may not need a new system it just may be low on blinker fluid. Get a quick top up and you can be safely on your way.
Front suspensions can be problematic too. In addition to failing ball joints, kingpins and bushings and so on you may have defective or loose widget arms. Finding a widget arm is like going on a Snipe hunt. It must occur at night using special tracking gear and great vigilance. When you find one let me know. While you are in there be sure to check the suspension hooks and the spring tap override fittings. They are famous for premature failure.
If you happen to own a more modern vehicle there can be additional concerns. Today the average car is filled with electronics and computers. Sometimes the data demands are so excessive you may have stressed the systems to the point that the memory in your on-board computer may have to be expanded so the car can function properly.
Always remember, when you buy a new car make sure the hammerfors are not hanging off the car. What is a hammerfor you ask? Well, to bang in nails of course- got cha!
Well this great spoof was fun and I am sure you can think of many more examples but believe it or not my research indicates some dishonest shops have actually attempted to sell some of these previously mentioned parts or “required” repairs. If you get a repair estimate and don’t understand what they are saying have someone in the know review it before you authorize the work. Even some reputable dealer ships will have a tendency to replace things prematurely like air filters, hydraulic fluid and cabin filters so check your service manual for typical service intervals and ask to see the dirty or defective parts. Recall the adage “let the buyer beware” and remember always use a clean bucket when you drain your air. Happy motoring!
