By Dean Sprague

I was sitting at home watching the rain for the third day in a row. I should be working on my 64’ Volvo P 1800s project but somehow I found difficulty braving the elements just getting to my garage, then moving the cars around and turning up the heater. I know it’s all just mental and once I actually started all would be fine but my new Hemming’s Motor News just arrived. What could I do? Since I am basically weak of mind, I compromised with myself and began reading the car ads, for just a little while, then off to the garage. OK, so a little while became and long while but there is so much to read. I have noticed a familiar pattern for years in the ‘cars for sale’ sections. Many of the ads just sounded too good to be true. You know what they say, “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is”.

I began reading between the lines in some of the ads. Maybe I am just becoming tainted in my old age but it was just fun “Interpreting” them. Take this ad for example.

‘59 MGA, older restoration, usual rust underneath, blah, blah this and that in good condition, small hole in top but good… Let’s define what all this really means. The term “older restoration” means it’s time to re-restore it again Tony. Why not just tell us the date of the completed restoration and how many miles driven since? What does “usual rust” mean anyway? Is there unusual rust? It could mean surface rust on the bottom or the bottom half of the car is missing. The term “small hole” in anything frightens me. What do they consider a small hole verses completely shredded or a gaping cavern? There could be a thin line of demarcation here.

Here’s another ad; ‘55 Jaguar XK140, 35 year barn find, some rust, 90 percent complete, matching numbers, all original, easy restoration. First of all having restored several Jaguars I can attest to the fact that there are NO “easy restorations” of any Jaguars or most other cars for that matter. The reason is when you restore a component all surrounding elements which looked fine now appear very tired. Then there is that term “some rust” luring us again. What is “some” to the author might be completely rusted to others. They should be more definitive, rusted where exactly? What does the term “barn find” really mean? Was it actually sitting in a barn somewhere or a carport or worst in someone’s backyard for 35 years? This term gets over used and is ambiguous at best. Tell me the car sat in a humidity/temperature-controlled vault for 35 years. Now that would give me comfort and hope. I love the statement, 90% complete or any percentage of a completed restoration or car. Who determines what the correct percentage of anything is? Maybe there is a Society of Complete Measurements Standards committee but I have never heard of them. What might be 80% complete to me might be a poor parts car to someone else. Maybe they should just tell us what is missing so we can ascertain whether or not we want to even attempt the restoration.

Here’s another ad for you; 1961 Triumph TR3a, 25,000 original miles, very solid straight car, runs and drives, needs some work, lots of potential, needs simple re-commissioning. I love these terms; “runs and drives” can I drive it home or just propel it enough to push it onto a trailer? The term “very solid straight car” I would assume it means no rust or Bondo and never wrecked but it could mean (and probably does) looks solid from 10 feet away but we have no idea what’s underneath the faded rusty paint. I still like the “lots of potential” statement. I am not sure exactly what it means but I like it. Are they talking about a ROI (return on investment) or if you spent a fortune on it, it would be worth a little more than it is today. Maybe the potential is just for the seller. He or she gets “real” money and the car off their hands. The last statement the car only needs a “simple re-commissioning”. Wow, I really don’t know what that means so I looked it up. According to Webster the term ‘commission’ means to hire, appoint, contract or assign. Now I am really sure I don’t what it means. It seems the dealers are using this term frequently. It could mean to re-assign the title or maybe it doesn’t have a title at all and you must “commission” a new one. Maybe it means to dump the car on you and you can worry about how to get a tag for it then they get their commission. Either way is doesn’t look simple to me. If it has one why not just say clear or open title, if not just say that. On a final note be very careful about the term “original” relating to mileage or anything for that matter. If it’s a British car the odds of the speedo cable surviving for 40-50 or more years (assuming it ever accurately recorded the mileage) is about the same odds as winning the Lottery…twice.

Finally the piece de résistance, here is another actual ad, 1960 Jaguar Mk 9, luxury classic, 98% restored, running and drives but wouldn’t drive it to Texas either needs shifter linkage adjust or replace the tranny, buy today for 25K do a little work then sell her for 50 to 90K… Here is the percentage restored again which means it only needs 2% of the work to be a 100 point 50K to 90K car, really? If so why is he selling it instead of finishing the remaining 2% and getting the 90K himself? Maybe because he is so rich he doesn’t care about the 25K to 65K? What do you think? I think not. If you go look at this one DUCK!

Now let’s talk about purchase prices. Here you will find lots of creative ways to describe it. What does the seller really want for the car? Sometimes the price is straightforward like $25,000 firm leaving no room for discussion. Would they really take something less? Sometimes you see a price and then “serious inquires only call”. If I were not serious why would I call? Just to talk and hear another person’s voice? My personal favorite is a price like $16,252. Where did that number come from? It may be the square root of the average NADA value for a #3 car divided by X then multiplied by Y… or maybe the seller simply wants you to negotiate to the closest round number. That way you think you got a better deal? How about the statement “must sacrifice” then they give you the price. Please remember when there is a sacrifice someone must get burned. It’s usually the buyer. A standard term frequently used is “must sell” or “OBO” (or best offer). This implies to the buyer that it will be sold to someone no matter what the price, or does it? It usually means to the seller I will sell it once I get an offer at or higher than I expected. When I see the term “OBO” you know to never begin negotiating anywhere near their asking price. The seller hopes you will see it as a benchmark and go a little below it or in his dreams get several people fighting over it and it goes over. Maybe just putting in the price and negotiating would be a lot easier for the buyer and the seller.

Honesty in advertising is diminishing in value if it ever had value. It seems it’s more proficient to become a wordsmith than just tell it like it is. The old phrase “let the buyer beware” is forever true. Well, anyway as my dad always said, “There are only 2 types of classic cars today; those that have been completely restored and those that still need to be. Forget patina that just means it’s old”. When looking I have always tried keep this in mind and attempt to leave my rose-colored glasses at home. OK, I try anyway. Well the rain has finally let up so out to my garage and back to my rose colored glasses acquisition: “the Volvo project”.